Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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