We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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