I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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