never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
