my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
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My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
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I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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