dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We talked him into tasing himself.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
