I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
ttyl tear gas
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
