is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
