She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
