I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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