What a fucking waste of an outfit
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
