i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize