Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
