i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
