then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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