So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
