You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!