So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Let's get the cat blown out
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.