I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now