i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
