I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
