Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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