I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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