my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
