So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
