Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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