You dont lie about slip and slides
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
