between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
