Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
