I'm so fucking centered right now
I didn't shave. On purpose
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
