This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
