Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
