so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
