i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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