I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
