My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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