My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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