Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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