Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
