You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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