Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
