I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Mom said you looked used
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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