I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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