The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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