I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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