What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
