mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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