Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
