it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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