Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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