I just pynch a tree in the face
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
