Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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