An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
