We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Randomize
