There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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