Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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