HIV tests are more positive than that guy
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
