When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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