Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
