I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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