the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
