Screwed.edu
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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