so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
