Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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